I have been with my girlfriend a long time and she is quite extraordinary. Over the past year I have compiled a list of some of her musings, thoughts and quotes.
Some of these will need explaining, so I will put them into context. Do not interpret any of these things as a lack of intelligence. She is extremely smart and one of the brightest people I have ever met. She doesn’t seem to let the evil that surrounds everything get to her. Unlike me who hates everything and everyone.
She just thinks outside the box. Well, either so far outside the box you need binoculars to see her. Or inside the box, the core of the box. She is either at the heart of the box, or thinks lightyears outside the box. Here are some of the things she has said over the past year:
“I don’t want take your name, people will associate me with Ched Evans.” (Google Him).
“…I don’t know? Can the unicorn still fly?” – I have no idea about what context this was in.
“Almost fucked myself in the ass today…” – Self Explanatory?
“Water, that thing you need to survive? You don’t need it to survive though do you.”
“…And that’s how I can prove evolution doesn’t exist.” – A debate about creation.
“People make mistakes in life.”
“You’d all shut up though if Andy Carroll couldn’t play because he hung himself…that’s what bullying does.” – This was after I compared Andy Carroll to a wardrobe.
“I’ve given myself enough time to get lost.”
“Stephen Fry doesn’t seem like a laugh.”
“Dancing tea bags!” – She exclaimed.
“There’s poo everywhere!” – No idea what context this was in.
“Balotelli is obviously someone I could get along with.”
“Everybody needs to just die.”
“I don’t know who I am.”
“Everywhere is near London unless you’re in Australia.”
“Don’t follow your dreams, if you’ve got to pay to get there.”
“So proud of how well you’re behaving.” – After taking me shopping.
“Please don’t shove a pringle, up my vagina, I shouldn’t have to say that.” – After I threatened…You know.
“You could be signed here, but you fucking, fucked it up *shows arse* that’s what I think of you.” – After I turned down a semi-professional football contract.
“How to execute a backflip.”
“I think my teeth are too big for my face.”
“[Keanu Reeves] won’t always play a leather suited ninja.”
“Should we buy a canoe? (In high pitch voice) Canoe! Canoe!”
“My mouth, it doesn’t work right. “
“You’re so efficient in a crisis.”
“I’m just misunderstanding.”
“I could gaze into your gouche all day.”
“You’re not as funny…go lightly anymore”
“Filthy tramps are sexy.”
“Look how much happier I am cause I don’t think about stuff.”
“We should keep ringing up and saying ‘Flip-Flop Wanker'” – After seeing our Landlord in Sainsbury’s wearing flip-flops.
“Limo’s are so tacky, we are having a spaceship for our wedding.”
“I did cactusology in school.”
“I just bit my own face.”
“Achey potato balls.”
“Let’s roll bitches.”
“I think I just sneezed and shit came out.”
“I want these people to be unhappy a little bit.” – On the human race.
“(Landing a craft on mars) what about people in Africa? Why can’t we buy them a spaceship that makes them better?” – Beautiful.
“I can see why people punch you.”
“I think this is the longest day that’s ever existed.”
“You don’t understand what’s on a chickens mind.”
“What does this lever do?” Does it make you ejaculate into the roof.” – She meant eject.
“There’s being shy, then there’s being a rapist.”
“I hope one day you get fat, then I’m going to leave you on purpose.”
“I’m such a disgusting person.”
…I just thought “Start breathing like a goldfish!” – No idea.
“He sounded a bit blind.”
“I just decapitated myself.”
“Sebastian can Coe home.”
“Maybe you should become fucking something.”
“Do we need the royal family? No.” Do we need you?
“Smooth as a rake.”
“Answer to the toe.” – While poking her toe at me.
“You know me babe, I’m a sucker for revenge.”
“In a way, I wish I could be a bit like a penis.”
“See how hard you can squeeze me before I pass out.”
“Need to get nice flowers for the woman I love!” – On getting flowers for her boss.
“I don’t know where I’m from anymore.”
“Why don’t you cook up some ideas while you’re having a poo.”
Just looking at Sir Alex Ferguson’s face makes me want to bludgeon my own face in.”
“Leprosy: is that when you turn into a Leprachaun?”
You can follow her on Twitter at @CharlotteeMars