The View From…Outside The Box

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I have been with my girlfriend a long time and she is quite extraordinary. Over the past year I have compiled a list of some of her musings, thoughts and quotes.

Some of these will need explaining, so I will put them into context. Do not interpret any of these things as a lack of intelligence. She is extremely smart and one of the brightest people I have ever met. She doesn’t seem to let the evil that surrounds everything get to her. Unlike me who hates everything and everyone.

She just thinks outside the box. Well, either so far outside the box you need binoculars to see her. Or inside the box, the core of the box. She is either at the heart of the box, or thinks lightyears outside the box. Here are some of the things she has said over the past year:

“I don’t want take your name, people will associate me with Ched Evans.” (Google Him).

“…I don’t know? Can the unicorn still fly?” – I have no idea about what context this was in.

“Almost fucked myself in the ass today…” – Self Explanatory?

“Water, that thing you need to survive? You don’t need it to survive though do you.”

“…And that’s how I can prove evolution doesn’t exist.” – A debate about creation.

“People make mistakes in life.”

“You’d all shut up though if Andy Carroll couldn’t play because he hung himself…that’s what bullying does.” – This was after I compared  Andy Carroll to a wardrobe.

“I’ve given myself enough time to get lost.”

“Stephen Fry doesn’t seem like a laugh.”

“Dancing tea bags!” – She exclaimed.

“There’s poo everywhere!” – No idea what context this was in.

“Balotelli is obviously someone I could get along with.”

“Everybody needs to just die.”

“I don’t know who I am.”

“Everywhere is near London unless you’re in Australia.”

“Don’t follow your dreams, if you’ve got to pay to get there.”

“So proud of how well you’re behaving.” – After taking me shopping.

“Please don’t shove a pringle, up my vagina, I shouldn’t have to say that.” – After I threatened…You know.

“You could be signed here, but you fucking, fucked it up *shows arse* that’s what I think of you.” – After I turned down a semi-professional football contract.

“How to execute a backflip.”

“I think my teeth are too big for my face.”

“[Keanu Reeves] won’t always play a leather suited ninja.”

“Should we buy a canoe? (In high pitch voice) Canoe! Canoe!”

“My mouth, it doesn’t work right. “

“You’re so efficient in a crisis.” 

“I’m just misunderstanding.”

“I could gaze into your gouche all day.”

“You’re not as funny…go lightly anymore”

“Filthy tramps are sexy.”

“Look how much happier I am cause I don’t think about stuff.”

“We should keep ringing up and saying ‘Flip-Flop Wanker'” – After seeing our Landlord in Sainsbury’s wearing flip-flops.

“Limo’s are so tacky, we are having a spaceship for our wedding.”

“I did cactusology in school.”

“I just bit my own face.”

“Achey potato balls.”

“Let’s roll bitches.”

“I think I just sneezed and shit came out.”

“I want these people to be unhappy a little bit.” – On the human race. 

“(Landing a craft on mars) what about people in Africa? Why can’t we buy them a spaceship that makes them better?” – Beautiful.

“I can see why people punch you.”

“I think this is the longest day that’s ever existed.”

“You don’t understand what’s on a chickens mind.”

“What does this lever do?” Does it make you ejaculate into the roof.” – She meant eject.

“Jehovas Christmasses.”

“There’s being shy, then there’s being a rapist.”

“I hope one day you get fat, then I’m going to leave you on purpose.”

“I’m such a disgusting person.”

…I just thought “Start breathing like a goldfish!” – No idea.

“He sounded a bit blind.”

“I just decapitated myself.”

“Sebastian can Coe home.”

“Maybe you should become fucking something.”

“Do we need the royal family? No.” Do we need you?

“Smooth as a rake.”

“Answer to the toe.” – While poking her toe at me.

“You know me babe, I’m a sucker for revenge.”

“In a way, I wish I could be a bit like a penis.”

“See how hard you can squeeze me before I pass out.”

“Need to get nice flowers for the woman I love!” – On getting flowers for her boss. 

“I don’t know where I’m from anymore.” 

“Why don’t you cook up some ideas while you’re having a poo.”

Just looking at Sir Alex Ferguson’s face makes me want to bludgeon my own face in.”

“Leprosy: is that when you turn into a Leprachaun?”



You can follow her on Twitter at @CharlotteeMars


The View From… Derek.


Ricky Gervais’ ‘Derek’ appears to bring out the best and the worst in people. It is a given that a Ricky Gervais project has caused controversy but this time there is actually  no cause to be offended.

Derek is based around a nursing home in which Derek, works. Derek at first look appears to have learning difficulties but there is no evidence that backs this up. The only thing that makes Derek (the character) stand out is that he is too nice for this world, as events in the show prove.  He doesn’t want anyone to die and when they do it means they are not sad anymore, “and I would rather be sad than anyone else” Derek states. He finds an injured bird and calls an ambulance. Yes, some of the things he does lead you to believe he has learning difficulties, but if you don’t approach the show with any prejudice to begin with, it is just a show about a man that is kinder than the rest of the people in society.

There is no malice at all on Ricky Gervais’ part. He is not mocking Derek, he is making a point about how society [wrongly]treats people and often, for no reason.

Gervais has a track record in people ‘getting their comeuppance.’ In The Office, David Brent eventually tells Finch to fuck off. And even though David Brent isn’t the nicest and most humble man, he is good at heart. The finale of The Office, leads you to believe he lives happily ever after.

Derek is no different.

In the most recent episode, the daughter of a resident at the home is just waiting for her mother to die so she can get an expensive ring. Ricky brings out the worst in this character but eventually, Douglas, (a recurring hero in the series) played by Karl Pilkington, tells them what we are all thinking.

As well as the show, Gervais manages to bring out the worst in people in real life. Assumingly unintentionally, unless he was some kind of mastermind-genius that writes shows to get bad reviews, to show how bad people are. Some of the proof of this began late last year before the pilot to Derek was shown. Reviews made Ricky Gervais defend the pilot, before it was even aired. People assumed that The Office and Extras writer created a comedy that mocked disabilities. These are the same people that thought Ricky Gervais IS David Brent and that Frankie Boyle is racist.

Condemning a programme is one thing, but before it has even aired seems unfair.

Derek is labelled as a comedy and Ricky Gervais has frequently said, when asked what it is: “What do you think?” This may be another reason why people have dismissed it.

People seem to approach Derek like they did with The Office and Extras. As out-and-out comedies. Then when they realise that it is also a drama, they condemn it. If people approached Derek neutrally; like any other show, they wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss it.

This project of Ricky Gervais’s is clearly very personal and should be approached neutrally.

It is as beautifully written as The Office, just in a different way, it is not a shame that this isn’t as comedic as his other projects, it is a shame that all people aren’t as kind as his creation, Derek.

The View From…The NFL: Through an Englishman’s eyes.

It may just be that I have aged and with my growing wisdom I have noticed it more but this year, the Superbowl and the NFL in general have got a lot more attention in this country (England). This post is about how we as a country and me as an individual, see the NFL; without using phrases such as: ‘they’, ‘over there’ and ‘across the pond.’

There is no doubt that across the pond,(damn) NFL is a big deal. Arguably, football in this country is as big but it is hard to compare. Over there,(damn) NFL is a show. The game lasts 60 minutes but the programme will last four hours. Due to stoppages, singing and dancing, NFL games require about 240 minutes of your time.

Football in this country may have an hours build up and twenty minutes after to assess what happened, but there is no singing and no dancing. Don’t get me wrong, I do not think that football, (soccer) can be improved by singing and dancing at half-time. I do not think Louis Spence would improve the Premier League.

Maybe it is because they (damn) love a show in America maybe the game of football isn’t enough in itself to keep people interested.

I learnt the hard way that it took the equivalent of Leeds to Bristol on the train to watch an NFL game. Last year I saw an NFL game, with the privilege of fast forwarding the adverts and stoppages, and loved it. I asked my friend who is a huge fan of NFL who to support. Due to my favourite colour being green, I now support Green Bay Packers. (I even have a hat that proves what a good fan I am) I then found out that they are quite a good team which was a bonus. Unlike Manchester United fans who find out they are successful, THEN support them.

I was determined to get interested, so, I did some research on the NFL. Then some research on the Green Bay Packers. I thought it would be incredibly entertaining.

The hype for the Superbowl then started. People even get excited about the ad’s, which in this country are the most despised thing about television. So even though my alarm was set for 6 ‘o’ clock in the morning, I stayed up to watch it.

It turns out it is hard to stay focused on a sporting event that includes less sport than it does anything else. With the blackout the game was even longer. I used this time to do more research . Then I stumbled across Ray Lewis’s story. This guy made it more interesting. He is essentially America’s John Terry. I know Ray Lewis’s story sounds worse, but  even with ‘moral crimes’, America have to go one bigger.  

The point to this blog post seems non-existent. I suppose what I am trying to say is Association Football has gone global. I just can’t help but think the NFL could go global too if it wasn’t for the desire to ‘put on a show.’

The View From…The Future.

It may have been a sleep-deprived induced vision but I saw two scenarios of the future.

David Cameron and the rest of this government (For foreign readers, I mean parliament, David Cameron and The Government aren’t an ‘80’s band) are introducing the ‘Bedroom Tax’. The bedroom tax will tax people who have more bedrooms than they need. (Buckingham Palace, 240 bedrooms, is exempt. And Lord Freud, the man imposing the tax, eight bedroom house is exempt.) So when the news of this tax hit me, like a wet cabbage in the face, I had a premonition of the future. I can only see the future going two ways. The first way:

 Cameron imposes the bedroom tax, which is successful in the fact that no one revolts, however people don’t have time to find new homes so they bulldoze the bedroom off completely, putting up tarpaulin as a replacement. That  leads to the tarpaulin tax and the ‘three walls tax’ for those who can’t afford tarpaulin. People then can’t afford wall replacements. Meanwhile, the Coalition abolishes the last of the English companies, meaning we are entirely reliant on foreign food, trade, clothes and oxygen.

 By 2014 NHS has been cut completely and the only hospitals that exist are ‘super-private’ hospitals available to graduates of Eton and anyone who can afford to petrol. (By this point petrol is over £15 a litre and only available from CamCleggCo) Benefits are cut to zero and the ‘single mum tax’ is enforced, punishing those who fail to stay married.

 Other countries start to tax us for importing everything, inflating prices of everything to unaffordable rate. The Coalition, to try to cheer up the poor folk of ‘New Britain’, orders some snow to be delivered. In one of our batches of snow (which is now imported from Serbia) is accidentally filled with poison rats as Nickolai the factory worker was too busy watching a ‘Mock The Week’ repeat on Dave. Nickolai is foolish to think that satire will get anything done in the politics world.

 December 2014 and this crate full of rats arrive. The snow and rats flood the streets, free to run into the houses of everyone who couldn’t afford tarpaulin, infecting the country with Plague. The ones who panic bought petrol in 2012 survive enough to drive to a hospital, only to be turned away as they can’t afford a ‘super-private hospital’ membership. Engulfing this ‘New Britain’ into a zombie ridden plague.

 The second scenario is the people of Britain demand a re-vote. Labour get voted in, and change absolutely nothing.

The View From… Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

Did Zlatan Ibrahimovic score the greatest goal you’ve ever seen on Wednesday night?

On Wednesday Zlatan Ibrahimovic had already scored a hat-trick when he took advantage of Joe Hart’s feeble attempt of a clearance, span around, leapt in the air and scored a bicycle kick from 35 yards out.

So was it the greatest goal ever scored?

In short, no. Ibrahimovic’s fourth goal against England on Wednesday night is an example of not only the player that he is but the man he is. He was a water cooler topic the next day after people had spent the rest of their Wednesday night Googling his name so they could pretend they knew how good he was all along. Their Google search would have spewed up all his quotes and found out what an eccentric character he was and that this goal was nothing special to him.

The goal was nothing special in relation to  history though as a quick search on YouTube would give you hundreds of goals better than this one.If you compare Zlatan’s goal to that of Mauro Bressen’s ,it is quite unremarkable.

There has been a small outrage on social media about this goal not being included in the Puskas award nominees but compare it to the other candidates and it is really uspectacular. Not only is the goal distinctly average, (and lets face it, it was a glorified tap in.) it doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things as it was just a friendly.

If there is a correlation between how important a goal is and how good the goal is, then this goal isn’t very good. There is no question he is a talented player and the technique was good, but the quality of the goal has been blown out of proportion. This player is definitely world class and would get into any team in the world, but this goal is nothing special.

Lets imagine after Joe Hart’s header, Zlatan span around, leapt off the floor but completely missed and had to be strecthered off. Compare this with what actually happened and the reality of the goal seems dull.

It is understandable why people think this is a great goal but will people remember it in ten years? Or even in ten weeks? I highly doubt it.